Lessons being learnt

Today... wednesday , i find him cheeky and cute... there is something about him....the way he tried to make jokes even in his fragile condition... the way his eyes twinkled as he tried to show me his preferred way of feeding him tea ( i still cant get it right hehehe).... or the way he smiled when something tickled him....or at times when i found him staring at me when he thought that i was not looking at him.......and he smiled..just like a cute boy ...esp without his teeth... of course when his one and only daughter was here..yup..that'll be our beloved Meşe..... he got a bit grumpy... demanding her all the time... which i understood as the fact that he wanted his daughter to be with him... deal with him...which i fiound really sweet... I sense this peacefulness in him despite his condition...which in a way makes me happy... though deep down i felt more scared than ever......


Frankly speaking, i am not a caring person. I was not born with the trait of being caring. I just dunno how to be caring...i was totally clueless on how to be caring...It is a trait that i learn as i go along in my life... especially after i got married.... being caring doesnt come naturally to me...

And not being caring... what do i know about looking after an elderly sick person eh? Seriously, i dont! ..And eversince baba has been hospitalised, i am learning thru observation....looking at how people do this and that... so when it was my turn to do this and that...i startto have some confidence to do so and so.....me learning to be a caring person....to learn to be less self centered person that i am.......



What i've learned so far while looking after baba?? Well..i defintely have learned a few things ......
1. I learnt in school when i was in high school.. the concept of tayammum(taking the wudhuk)...using sand... looking at baba... since he couldnt do the tayammum with the sand... what he did was/is... he asked for a small table... put on his stomach..the surface facing him... the surface of the table as the base...and he did his tayammum there....a lesson learnt


2. I am actually a deviant rebellious bride....when baba was healthy... if he say A..i will say B...i felt the need to rebel...him being sick n all... i nowadays have learned to say *yes*... instead of *no*... (though i'd still love to say *no* deep down hehehe)..


3. When baba was still early in his hospital days, he used to trust only mıstık (the male helper), and his own children to look after him... Now that i think he finally realised that this one bride is not really going anywhere...esp early in the mornings on weekdays... i think he has finally succumb himself to my presence and has start trusting me to look after him (it is usually me and mıstık in the mornings)...that i think is a good development...for me...this is a life lesson so precious that money cant buy... i dah naik pangkat hehehe


4. Physically, baba may be fragile and sickly... but there is nothing wrong with his mind... it doesnt stop thinking...the more he is sick.. the more he thinks....


5. Baba gets angry at mıstık (his prime target).... he gets angry at his children (esp when he is irritated over something)..and masyAllah..very rarely (Hopefully forever) he gets angry at me hehehehe..less wrath comes to me hehehehehe ....dillin ısırın simah!! nazar olmasın :0)


6. Baba has a certain system of doing things... the way he wakes up.. the way he wants to be looked after...the way he wants his mouth to be wiped up....or the way he drinks his tea... he lives by his personal system... which really reminds me of baddin...same name..sama character... hmmm..


7. Baba knows he is dying (though nobody directly told him that). But he is determined to do whatever is best for his health....and not let the sickness engulf him in sadness. his determination i can see in him... But he is deteriorating... he doesnt even recognise the difference between day and nite... and time is a difficult concept for him to gasp nowadays...

8. Even in his sickly condition, he still thinks of us and not of himself... today (thursday), he told meşe that he wanted to be discharged from the hospital and he asked meşe to find out the cost of his medical expenses... ..he doesnt want to burden his kids in any way...But i think after today's insident( his uncontrollable shiver)... i think he can be easily convinced that staying in the hospital is the best for him right now...like i said in my article, the hospital staff r looking after him very well...

9. I discover that i fel extremely tired by the end of each day...i mean..how can that be? babysitting baba at the hospital doesnt really involve a lot of activities..only that i have to be alert at every movement baba makes....my eyes totally focus on him... with not much room to stray...i suppose the exhaustion is due to emotional endurance...i mean...putting brave face for that many hours can drain away ur energy...

which is why...i am realy realllly sorry if i cant blog hop to ur blog... i would love to membalas lawatan to ur blog.. but i just dont have the energy...will try to during the weekends when i *cuti*.. but the entries.. i have to write coz i need to release what is in my mind...mumbling...relaxes me..

Truth? Our fight is againts time... to have one more moment with him each second..each minute...whenever possible......everyday..till Allah the Almighty decides to call him *home*


Pain? to see him struggle.......Yet, u have to put a brave face and let not the pain in ur heart gobble ur soul.......coz u know..it doesnt benefit anyone... and so u smile...and dream of dunkin donuts heheheheh (wei... berat badan dah naik teruk wei!!...pls..dont ask what i weigh now!!)


Hope? That he will go peacefully....with the least pain...


And so we all pray..and we all *redha*...in such a time like this... u learn a lot of things about life....and to have ur family around u for even the simplest of support is a wonderful bonus indeed...

Thank You for hopping by...Hope to see u again the next time..