today..

Silent tears fell onto my cheeks while i was in the mini bus (going to the hospital) today at 7.40am.Tears i do not shed in public....Nobody noticed, i hope.....i do not cry in public.


He was so terrible yesterday. His body system was shutting down. Family members were called to the hospital.Alhamdulillah, he is much better today.

Still... our fight is against time. Even he himself thinks that he wont be coming out of the hospital again. Today, he called the bank manager where his accounts r...to the hospital.... to inform the guy of the division of his money among his children...after he....



i was at the hospital today till around 8p.m... fed him his lunch and dinner...helped out any way i could.......i wanna do something....to serve him as a daughter should... coz i love him...and if it had not been for him and his blessing for my beloved n i to be united despite the weirdness of our circumstances...i will not have been as happy as i am now (Alhamdulillah)...i will not be able to be an anne to both of my angels...Forgive my sad thoughts...

and on 2 happy notes.... my roomate in section 4 ....years agooo... our Mrs Mighty Duck..after years of trying is finally pregnant! please pray that she will one day be able to hold this baby in her arms and be able to enjoy the headache.. the joy and the heartache of motherhood (p.s... previously i spelled wrong! my mind was/is not here..sorry!)...wonderful indeed!!

and to JEM..... a long lost friend....i am so glad u hve found my blog!! will reply ur email as soon as i can.... my mind is not really here right now... so is my heart....KEEP in TOuCH!

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NOTİCE..

I wanna show u something... please reverse ur attention to 5 entries from now(cuba tengok entry yg sebelum ni... geri 5 entri geri bak) ...please divert your attention to the entry entitled...

ENJOY THE BEAUTY!

published wednesday,21 Nov 2007 (but it is actually published today but the first entry on the 21st) hehehe


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Baba in news

http://www.samanyoluhaber.com/haber-80939.html

this is where to click if u wanna see baba in person (on tv news broadcast..interview done of baba in the hospital room) with the news entry of baba's illness.... it said there that baba is with back pain problem n a mention of surgery...they didnt know that it is worse than that... coz baba himself doesnt know that his conditition is bad (after the test results recieved yesterday...see my previous entry).....u r reading insider information from me about him here... not many know... i suppose if the news tells that baba is with cancer... cant imagine the flock of people coming in to visit..as it is... he is refusing to accept many visitors except the very few... Alhamdulillah..despite his present situation...he looks ok..May Allah help him...

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Update on baba

The results of the tests from the pathology department were out today. The doctors had a meeting to decide the next possible action. Even though the type of cancer baba has .....show possibilities of a response to chemotheraphy (not very high percentage though), the doctors agree that baba's body will not be able to endure the treatment.

The conclusion is baba will stay at the hospital till friday. No treatment will be performed on him whatsoever. He is basically dying. Our best hope right now is the usage of medicine prepared by the acapunturist. The funny thing is, none of the doctors could tell baba what they had come out with... though baba had guessed it, he doesnt officially know that he is dying. All is in the hands of Allah... HE created us all and it is to HİM we all shall return... I just hope that baba will not suffer too much pain sebelum izrail datang memanggil....

Today, hatice's teacher, baddin's teacher, önder bey (in charge of pre school and grade 1-3 students) and another guy from the school, together with hatice and baddin went to visit baba at the hospital. It was meant to be a suprise. Hatice told me later that she was happy to see her dede but she was/is also sad that her dede is sick. She asked me when her dede will be coming back to his own home.... Baddin when he went into his dede's room at the hospital, soon after, he requested that i accompanied him outside... internally, i think he was feeling depressed. Before leaving to go back to school, he had a chat with his dede for a while... i could see how much he missed his dede.. and tonite... at home... baddin sounded so happy coz he got to see his dede today!He was singing songs.... ..he was/is at the top of the world.

The birth of my kids were followed by death... after hatice was born- burhanettin amca (baba's brother) died.... after baddin was born, anne (my mom in law) died.... and halil was asking me.... if baba died... we dont have a third child yet? my beloved is grieving inside though he show no emotion out front.-...so as the rest of the family....and if baba is called by the almighty... his death will also be felt by many....that i am confident all his life contribution all these while... complete with his wonderful iman...baba will be comfortable in alam barzakh... and while he is living still....i want my kids to see as much of him as they could...

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I love them!

There i was... early .... 20 minutes early for the meeting...she wasnt there in her classroom... i took a peek at baddin.. he was wrestling with his friends in his class...i didnt want to disturb his fun. And so this lonely mom went to the school canteen... opened her biscuits (was hungry...after finishing the house tidying this morning, i rushed to visit baba for half an hour....)..start swallowing the biscuits while reading my newspaper... and suddenly....

ANNE!! ... a voice shouted at me... and i felt her hugged me and kissed me....i started to hug her back.... her hair was all over!! i braided her hair again.. and not long after that,elif.. her best friend in pre school apprioached us with an apple in her hand (they just came out of lunch)....i started chatting and making jokes with the two girls... and the next thing i realized it... a group of girls were surrounding me... listening to my teasing and all....How sweet they were/are... i knew for instance, these are hatice's classmates.... they always do that whenever i am around...gather around me... for some reason... they love to be involved in my conversation everytime i went to visit hatice....they always have something to tell too....i think their favourite part today was when i kissed each of their cheeks while teasingly telling hatice that everytime i kiss her friends, my love for her lessened.... heheheh smart girl! she didnt believe it not even a second! hahahahah well... her friends definitely love to be kissed and smothered definitely! and come the photo session (on their request).... sweet sweet little things! (i will upload their pics in hatice's blogs later)

the girls

***sooo sweet arent they?***
one happy picture...i simply adore them!
(yet to remember all their names)

Remember that baddin is depressed over his dede's illness? this weekend, halil n i really tried our best to birng him and her back to normal.... and finally after a long long time.... we had a sweet 15 minutes outing at the playground where i used to bring hatice n baddin to play...i miss this kind of outing... we used to do this alot.... but eversince halil moved to a private uni... and the kids busy with school... we all rarely see each other....just barely... still.... it is the love that binds us all together.. my love for him....as his love for me....and together... we love our 2 angels as they love us back.... May Allah keep this love alive for as long as we live insyaAllah...

baddin n halil all ready tu race (running).. hatice as the judge hehehe

After the race... baddin won the race! hehehehe

with the fallen leaves everywhere..it is after all spring (ops..sorry..itz fall!! thanks alice for pointing out my mistake!)

a view of the playground...

father n son...

do usee any similiarities? hmmm

mother and daughter...

2 siblings...

one tired girl..

one couple.....(u can complete the sentence heheh)

A full day today.... woke up eversince 5am... went here..went there.. did this..did that... and my dear beloved just told me that he has his research paper (in english) almost ready which i will need to check tonite... coz selim n he want to submit the paper tomorrow morning!! Wei! apa ni buli bini!! hmm..i better go to sleep before he comes home from work!! itz almot 11pm... zzzzzzzzzzz...will try to blog hop tomorrow (if i can finish the article checking)... will inform u of baba's test result tomorrow (in this entry)

take care my dear friends!! my energy is only enough to update my own blog... i can only blog hop so slowly.. maaf.. jgn marah yea...

nite nite!

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Baba in the hospital

halil, halit, halim, meşe

(pls carefully note the first 3 names...u cant believe the confusions caused by the almost similarities)

mehmet, selim, funda, özlem

urs truly

All of us drinking n eating something at the hospital cafe...

THANK YOU for all of ur prayers.

Alhamdulillah, the operation was successful. They had removed the tumor from baba's thing, which lessened the pressure and the pain n had sent the sample to the pathologist in which the result will be certain - max on monday.

On Thursday morning, the hospital had sent a chauffeur to pick baba up from his home. Baba and meşe went there together while the rest of us went there separately.

The surgery was supposed to be at 10am. But the management had postponed the time to 2 p.m at the last minute notice which made all of us mad coz baba was totally terrible looking while waiting for the time to come for the surgery. While halil and kerim and i read yassin separately in his room before the operation, we also hooked the mp3 player to baba's ears for him to listen to Yassin and surah Ar rahman.(p.s..i told halil that if i am dying.. please hook the mp3 to my ears too)

The room where baba stayed won the first day was nice. 1 bed for one room where the room is complete with a big bathroom, flat screen tv, fridge, drawers, closet, couches.... and from the room window, u get to see these..

paintings of the views of istanbul.i simply loved it!!

Baba decided to stay some more at the hospital coz he found the service there wonderful...he could have been discharged the next day if he wanted to. But he didnt. I suppose he was captivated by the Sweet smiling nurses...wonderful staff all over....

It was on the second day, that they transfered him to the room where he was meant to stay in the first place(it was under work the day earlier).... it was a suit...a vip room.... The moment i saw the suit.. i was saying... woah! wow! huha! The suit... it seems is much bigger than the room baba previously occupied.... and the room is connected to another room (to be used as a place to lepak lepak when too many people come to visit baba) which is the size of the room baba previously occupied. On top of that, the total room has 2 flat screen tvs, two bathrooms,2 fridges,.....well... double in everything!!Such comfort! No wonder baba refuses to go home! hehehe

his moral and spirit have improved a lot eversince. Today, when i was looking after him in the afternoon, he was walking unassisted and he was not enduring much pain (they give him 2 pain killers daily)... he looked much much better. happy in fact.... the thing is.... until the doctors tell him exactly what is wrong with him directly, i think he believes that after the surgery, everything is ok now. whatever that plagues him is gone....... but we all know that it is not so....i just hope that he will be morally strong to recieve the results of the tests....

Between hatice n baddin, baddin is being affected more by his dede's illness than his sister. This one week.. he had been acting soo very unlike my son. Distressed somehow. I asked his class teacher too and she agreed that baddin looked somehow with a heavy burden. But she told me not to do anything except to offer him my compassion n love. This is a stage where he is learning some facts of life. He will overcome this, she confidently told me.....

And last nite, as i hugged him on his bed for his nite sleep... he finally admitted the truth and he said in turkish...

*anne, ben dede ölmeye istemiyorum. ben dede ya çok seviyorum.benr ruyarlarda, dede öldu gördum*

(anne, i dont want dede to die. i love dede very much. ı saw him die in my dreams*)

my kids basically spent almost all their lives with dede in the picture... we even spent the summer with dede in sapanca most days... and because he is Sabahaddin Jr, i think the effect is very strong on him ...until now, i didnt realize how much he loves his dede...i guess having a name as his dede somehow created a bond unexplained by words...*hugs baddin*

Today, i tried not to fight with baddin (i have been fighting with him everyday). i treated both hatice n baddin extremely nice. Halil played with them too (while i was at the hospital to stay with baba for a few hours in the afternoon). They had fun today... and on top of everything, i brought the kids to nezih n bribed them with a toy of their choice each.... hatice chose barbie while baddin chose a car.... alhamdulillah, they look normal again today....

I may be a bit slow in updating n blog hopping these days. I wont keep writing gloomy stuffs of course... life is too precious to be gloomy.... forgive me if these few entries r far too dark for one's reading.... my blog is after all to dictate what my heart will quill and for now... the quill is not very cheerful...

Baba before the surgery..
The toilet

this is in the toilet too..

Even the towels r plastic wrapped... they r changed everyday, the same with room cleaning service...

a seat in the bathroom while for sick ones to sit on while taking a bath..

This is what they served baba right after the surgery... with dessert too!!

i managed to catch 2 lunches meal (while babysitting baba at the hospital).. the food is delicious except for the salt... but then for me, i was given xtra salt in a small packet which i offered to baba hhehehe

a flower... Temmm i want that one too!!

the hospital bed

some of the couches

the view from baba's new room.. the view of the 4 islands of istanbul.. remember in summer the zaims would go to *ada?* (island)..yup... these r them.

a fridge and almarii

flat screen tv..one facing baba..one in the guest room connecting to baba's room...

another fridge in the other room..

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Enjoy the Beauty..

Life is too beautiful to throw away even when sadness engulf ur heart. Remember my *weight Challenge?*... how i mumble about my çamlık park n my walks?

these days, i havent the luxury of doing my normal walks coz i usually tidy up the house after the kids go to school, cook n later go to visit baba everyday...THankfully, i have my indoor bike...at least i still do my exercise... though i am afraid..without the walk...i have gained a kilo..(sigh.. n i had worked hard to lose that 7.5kg!).. Anyway.. allow me to share with you my beloved place.......

LADİES AND GENTLEMAN...

i give you... my beloved...

ÇAMLIK PARK!!

(Fall 2007)

the main entry
the first view

The park view from the main entrance


the flower bushes... this is fall... wait till spring!

the soft platform to walk on...

the acibadem hospital ( the branch) is just right next to the park.That is why i always bring my credit card along when i walk just in case i faint or something....... This is a very luxurious hospital where the patients can choose their food from the menu of what to eat everyday... nak masuk pun takut....!!

plants n stones..

the 3 workers in charge of the park...

one of the work out station with a group of people doing aerobics.

there are 2 people in charge of instructing the aerobics... on certain days they have tai chi too hehehe

i never join...

they r still doing aerobics..

a lamp post... a perfect place to hang ur jackets hehehe

a place to have ur tea and read ur newspaper...

another view of the park..

a park full of Çam ağacı (pine trees)... thus the name çamlık park

another work station...there r a few stations in the park..

one of the two waterfalls

they were still doing some sort of aerobics...

a bridge...out of two

pigeons always come to eat here..

another water fountain (thanks alice!... otak i sudah gila! mixing up terms hahaha)

workout station..

love these bright yellows...

another view

nature is beautiful, eh?

Back to reality.. the bricks n mortar

Being in the park, u feel as if u r in another world...

p.s... the M.R n Tomo tests revealed that baba's brain n lungs r fee of cancer. Alhamdulillah...officially, now he is with only bone cancer....

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