Cruel news

How could they do this to us? Informing the public of baba's death without confirming with the family first? 2 tv channels in fact did the announcement.... in which we all learnt thru calls from relatives about *baba's death*...??? This is a really unforgivable error for big channels like these!

True... baba's heart stopped beating at 12 noon today. True... he is in intensive care. True...that the doctor told us not to put on much hope....true..we all know deep down that it is only a matter of time....but a child shouldnt be hearing the news of his/her father's death from the mouth of others..and definitely NOT before his time of death!

Though.. they corrected the news. later...but by then..the zaim siblings' telephone had started ringing...we had to correct everyone that baba is still alive though his life is connected to a machine... it is a matter of time....just imagine some people from ankara were already on their way to istanbul when they heard the news on tv...a group of people from adapazarı were on their way too..........others wanted to rush to the hospital too but the family suggested against it..

in such a time like this... having to deal with visitors from outside is the last thing the family needs.... all we all need is to bundle together in each other's presence....and just be together.....reading the holy words of Quran ...just being together..trying to deal with our grief...the handpones still do not really stop ringing...even the president's call with get well wishes meant nothing right now.... coz the family is only thinking of the dear father....who is very much loved..but who is now living on the thin line between life and death. Turkey is losing one of its most prominent hoca...he is just baba...simply baba to us...

May Allah ease his suffering soon...we all redha..even if it means having to say goodbye. Seni seviyorum baba!

Thank You for hopping by...Hope to see u again the next time..

The News..

6th November 2007..
20th November 2007

Yup! those two articles printed in a local English newspaper has got my name on it. Itz a section for expats like me to mumble.... and Yup! this simah didnt feel that it was enough to mumble n bore people in her blog..... she has to mumble in a newspaper too!! hahahahahaha

It was for fun in the beginning...it still is....it is just like writing in my blog..only i have to spell the words properly (which actually took the fun out of mumbling actually....i hate proper spelling n grammar...)..of course the audience is different... people living in turkey with english knowledge...well enough to want to buy an english newspaper....

Who r excited more of my writings? i think my beloved is the most excited... i can feel him grinning still..the same with my zaim family... all r very supportive of me...full of praises...i suppose i will probably mumble some more at another time in the newspaper...at least when my mind is not as numb as now or as angry at everything..when i shouldnt...... well... thatz what i become when i see how helpless baba is....

Baba...a funny guy he is... he read my articles.... and quietly said... *very good*... it is from someone else i hear his real comments about my writing... i heard it from meşe... from halil... but never from his own mouth....what he said to them is enough to make me wanna fly hehehehe oh yeah... his praises was high...YES!

How is baba? well..he looks better today... i went to his apt at noon till 3.30pm... his electronic bed that was rented from a local hospital came...he was also working from his bed... checking details of his autobiography...(soon to be published except for the few last details)... he looked better too..but it doesnt change the fact that his cancer is teminal.. that it has spread all over his body...still.. his moral is good...the operation will be done this thursday instead of tuesday...pls pray for him....

i am sorry that i may not be in the mood to blog hop much... in the midst of all this sorrow and test by Allah... at least the publishing of my second article... with the mention of his wise words n name at the beginning had managed to somehow add to his cheerfulness today..i am grateful for that...

Thank You for hopping by...Hope to see u again the next time..

My thoughts today...

Father-in-law.... Thatz the word u use to refer to the father of the man u got married to.By law, the guy becomes ur father. True of course...


But in real life... the term is more than that... when u marry someone... u marry his family too. His mother becomes urs (next to ur own mom)...his father becomes urs (next to ur own dad)... the same goes to the rest of his family members......the same goes to him... he should feel the same about ur family members...the unwritten rule applies to him too... he should accept and love ur family as his own..

I am a foreigner to death...My first death experience was when Anne (my mom in law) died....Then,last summer, my own nephew died....with the high probabilities of another death lurking around.... i keep reminding myself... Allah, made us all and to him we shall return,eventually. I only pray that the eventual end will not be accompanied with unbearable intense pain...



I could not visit my nephew's grave...and so the pictures of his grave came to me in picture form... thanks joe...Ur pain of loss is still very deep... i can sense that...Afif is in the best hands.. in the hands of Allah...May u rest in peace...

Thank You for hopping by...Hope to see u again the next time..

I shall bear another year..

u may wanna turn off the song at the bottom of this blog before attempting to listen/watxh this video :0)



If i am to be honest to myself.... this summer is the hardest to bear...4 years may not seem like a long time without seeing the faces of my love ones in Malaysia... but to this heart who bears the feeling of being away... it takes a lot of courage and pretences... that i am ok...even when i am not...sadness only my tem can detect..and in his arms only could i silently cry my heart out without having to say a thing..

it gets the hardest when all the zaim siblings got together every weekends in Sapanca with their families...

True... they r my siblings now...but my heart could not help crying desperately for my own flesh n blood siblings....mak and ayah.... along n his family...joe n his family...ayed... yana.. abi....



The news of my nephew's death feels heavy on my shoulder... i needed...i need to be there...to be among the family members in their time of sadness. I couldnt. I needed to see my brother esp to see for myself that he is ok....he.... the only one i dare not call on the phone... coz i just simply know not what to say.....i am a coward...who only ask for his feelings thru sms....

Even as i was trying to talk to someone from home desperately yesterday... his number was not i dialled...


my parents r still grieving as well... for the first time, 3 days ago... my mom asked to talk to baddin... something she never requested....talks r gloomy...of a grandson in alam barzakh...


My already gloomy heart needed a cheerful voice yesterday... and i finally got thru yana.. my younger sister... it is then she revealed that she is planning (insyaAlllah) to get married on the 8.8.2008.... to the guy who has captured her heart.....a policeman...that cheered me up....


Can u just imagine....? my youngest sister will be getting married... !! When i myself got married, she was just a kid...now.. she will get married...!!how time flies by huh? I am happy for her... Among all her admirers (trust me she has a lot)..others much richer n with higher salary jobs... her heart chooses not the money..but the goodness of the man... i really hope that she will find her happiness with him... ....

And yes my dear sister...that is a date! insyaAllah....i will be there with my family to see u being crown as the queen of the day... As much as i miss them badly this year...i shall bear another year......to see the day when my younger sister will be called a wife.


Thank You for hopping by...Hope to see u again the next time..

Afif...Perjalanan Terakhir...

" Assalamualaikum w.b.t
InsyaAllah,
untuk pengetahuan simah,Allayarham Muhammad Afif pergi meninggalkan kita dengan mukanya yang tenang dan senyum dikala kita semua bersedih mengenangkannya,untuk simpanan simah abi telah menghantarkan gambar terakhir yang Abi sempat rakamkan sebelum pemergiannya pada hari khamis..gambar yang abi hantar ini diambil pada tarikh 3.6.2007 dan 4.6.2007
semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat
insyaAllah,kami akan terus memberi sokongan sepenuhnya kepada Johari
wasalam"

So here r the pictures of Afif snapped using my younger brother's handphone the last time afif went back to my mom's house...

Afif n my mom..

Afif with the babysitter (am not sure).. and the rest two pictures of afif with his 2 younger sisters...

My nephew Afif telah selamat dikebumikan selepas sembahyang jumaat....his grave is quite near to my brother's house... in fact just now they had put him into the ground...

..I am sure there is no need for the angels munkar dan nakir to ask him questions much...he is an angel ....himself..a child who has no sin...

i just talked to my sister yana.... she said...

*Simah tau tak afif meninggal senyummmmm..lepas tu badan dia bau wangiiiiiiiiiii*

Afif died smiling....he smells so fragrant..wangi semerbaknyaaa....a clear indication that what he saw before his death was something truly wonderful.....waiting for him at the other end...that in itself...is a comfort to the living...

...*sayang simah tak dapat tengok afif*
(what a pity u cannot see afif the last time) ..my sister said...

Her words struck the cord like lightning...as my tears fall... this is for the first time in 8 years that i truly regret living so far away...that for such a matter like this.. i cannot be there...

The last time we went to Malaysia, hatice and afif were always fighting while playing..... we were planning to go back next year for a visit..i was really looking forward to see whether both will be able to play without a fight this time around.. i guess there is no such chance now, eh?

But he died happy.. that is the most important thing... even that last weekend, my sister along even brought afif to the zoo (while sending ayin -my other nephew to the college).. held his hands... snap his photos...

Afif may be sickly all his life.. but he was a very lincah (active) boy.....that will be the memory all those who love him shall have difficult time to deal with as they play the memory of him in their minds...

Afif... Mak Lang Simah mintak maaf tak dapat balik tengok afif untuk kali terakhir...

I Need ur Shoulder

There I was, at Pazar. I was standing in front of a particular fruit seller. There is a fruit that i like that he was selling that ı wanted to buy. But there was a crowd. A lot of people were buying something from the seller. I waited patiently and quietly behind a lady…for her to finish buying her fruits.. when suddenly another old lady next to the lady in front of me said… in turkish..

“oh how nice isnt it to be able to buy ur fruits and have a helper (pointing her fingers at me) to carry the things u buy”

I couldnt decide what to feel. Should i feel angry? Should i feel humiliated? Should i just ignore the lady and forgive her for her ignorance?

I chose to keep my silence. Physically, i was not that sloppy looking that day. I was wearing my jeans and my windbreaker. Just because my skin tone is darker..not white..does that mean that i am of a lower Standard? That i am only fit to work as a maid?...It wasnt enough that I was mistaken for a babysitter on those days when the children’s playground was a place i used to frequent..

When the lady in front of me said in turkish… * I dont know her (pointing at me)*..the lady who said i was a maid apologized… but still with a look that clearly said that she considered me as a lower level person…perhaps like a çingene..of a gypsy Standard….with a twitch on her mouth that was very irritating

oh helloooooooooo…. Do i look like a house helper to u? All because i am dark coloured??

I forgive her ignorance… she needs to educate herself… but that didnt take away this anger i feel inside… i would love to tell her… i am not who she thinks i am.. that my education is not low at all.. and that i am a queen in my own home…n i am a person not to be looked down upon… but looking at her..i knew deep down..saying anything at all was useless…

I kept my silence…
But this anger stays….

Dont get me wrong… i dont encounter this kind of treatment often.. very rare indeed… most turks r warm towards me…türks in general r very nice and warm people… some even stopped me while i was walking and asked me of my roots.. with a smiling face..with a hug…and sweet words like…*oh..canım benim*… ..Türks in general..love Malaysians… ..not all r ignorant..but this one encounter with this one lady…..makes me sad….

Yes... I am fat. True. I am coloured. But to be downgraded like that…it hurts…

Have a Nice Weekend Everyone!

Smileeeeeeeeeeeee

Thank You for hopping by...Hope to see u again the next time..

My normal thoughts

I was just thinking…

If he didnt marry me, his parents wouldnt be needing to pay 3 tickets to and 4 tickets from Malaysia in 1999. ..and whatever costs they had to pay for such a complicated marriage..

If he didnt marry me..he would be able save his money n spend them on other things rather than use them to pay for whatever legal things he has to pay for marrying a foreigner..

If he didnt marry me, he would probably be able to buy himself a car…rather than use all the penny he has to his name so that his wife can go back to Malaysia once in a while…

But then,…

If he didnt marry me, he wouldnt have a daughter named Nur Hatice and a son named Sabahaddin

If he didnt marry me, he wouldnt be able to experience a hellish (yet wonderful) life only Simah can expertly provide

If he didnt marry me, he wouldnt be able to know what an asam or a maggie mee is…and taste the supposedly (as claimed by simah) the malaysian cooking! Hhahaha

He is stuck to me as i am stuck to him… in health, in sickness, in happiness,in sadness at all times till hopefully death do us part…phew… that sounds really tiring… :0)

Hope u all will have a nice weekend! Take care!

Thank You for hopping by...Hope to see u again the next time..

He...

How could it possible that my heart was beating so fast to just to hear his voice? A total stranger… How could it be possible for my hands to be so clammy and cold just when I had to face him, face to face? And for him to ask..”May I come in?”.. I thought I’d die!! I was already stumbling on my words as it was…!! How truly embarrasing…!!

Actions needed to be made. I knew I couldnt do it alone. And so…. İ crossed over to the other side, knocked on the door and a clearly very very sleepy faced male angel came out of the door. The Kids were sleeping… So i asked Sevin Hanım (the cleaning lady) to look after the kids while my male angel came over to us…only then I dared to invite HiM in…

He asked questions…simple questions… I couldnt understand him most of the times… my mind was in such a nervous condition….can u believe it? İ couldnt even remember the year Hatice was born! hahahahaahahahah luckily my male angel was there.. he filled up the gaps where i stumbled….

when everything was over. HE excused himself to leave…apologized for the inconveniences and asked when Halil would be at home so that He could come again…I thanked my male angel for his time..apologized to him for taking him away from his sleep..............what an experience!

Well… this is what u get if u havent renewed ur PR for 3 years!! Hehehe

HE was a police officer…
The Male angel was my brother in law Halim

And this He was actually a very young, soft spoken, (handsome too),very polite not scary at all- a guy..!!

P.s PR ni sebenarnya permanent resident..saya sekarang pendatang haram heheh

Thank You for hopping by...Hope to see u again the next time..

A hug n a kiss

I heard a commotion in hatice's room... A crying voice could be heard...I know that voice...

It was Ediz crying... Ediz n baddin had obviously got involved in a fight.. n one way or another... baddin had pushed Ediz

Ekrem was saying..*simah yenge.. baddin edize itti* (auntie simah..baddin pushed ediz)...

Looking at baddin's face, i knew it was true...

*baddin..çabuk ediz dan uzur dile* (baddin..apologize to ediz quick)...

Baddin knew i meant business...came quietly to Ediz...apologized ... n both hugged each other...

I kissed the part where ediz said had hurt... pulled him into my arms in a big hug....kissed him on his cheeks while softly touched his face in an action of love.....

what a funny thing a hug n a kiss... he stopped crying n went into the room again... a minute later.... 3 childish voices could be heard gigling n laughing inside the room..no hard feelings... all fight forgotten...

Children r so simple arent they? they dont keep hard feelings... they forgive n forget as easily as the wind blows... at times,i just wonder... why cant we adults do that? R we so big that we forgot the simplest things of all? That to err is human n to forgive is divine? do we have to involve ego n pride in everything?? i dunno... only at times.. the pain n hurt caused by the other person had gone too deep that to forgive may be possible over time...but to forget... it is not as simple as that....

When i was a child, i so wanted to grow faster so that i could experience the things my elder sister was experiencing... now that i am older... i am wishing for the innocence n simplicity of my childhood...

u cant have both ways, huh?... and so... let us just live n enjoy the things we have in front of us... no matter how easy or hard it is... i think..a hug.. n a kiss... is essential no matter how old u get... the need for love care not the age u r in...

Thank You for hopping by...Hope to see u again the next time..

I am happy...but tired...

*Sen deli gibi çalıştın*
(U worked like a crazy person)

halil said to me today..

Yes.. i worked like a crazy person these past few weeks.... i worked hard.... doing all the physical things..if u had seen me.. u'd be suprised...it was totally physical.. the work fit for a man..

My war against tiding up the whole mess in this apt is far from over...there r loads more of things i must do still..everything physical.. hours n hours n days more before my mission is fully completed...i cant tell u how many times my allergy bothered me coz i was basically breathing dust...i cant even tell u how many nights...by the time the kids fell asleep...how i had to limp painfully or i just basically sit on the couch unmoving coz i had over exerted myself (meaning my back bone was over exerted).. n walking was really painful.........how many massages halil had to make so that i could walk the next day...

But they r worthwhile coz my beloved place is now slowly looking decent.....n my achievement of all... the place is decent enough for hatice n baddin to be separated from each other...For the first time tonite...each of my kids sleep in their own room (they used to share a room)... halil has moved into the master bedroom to work...n he kindda like his new working space... It is colder(more freezing like) but th view is magnificent!

I just cant wait for the book shelves to come this friday so that i can totally unload the boxes of books n papers.........n most importantly.. i cant wait for hatice's bed to come....she has been sleeping on the
same bed eversince she was born... she deserves this new bed..!!

Like i said..my war is not over yet... still loads of things to do...wish me luck!

I am happy.... but tired..

Thank You for hopping by...Hope to see u again the next time..

Colors

Selam.. i hope many of u r having a wonderful rest during the chinese new year holiday.. many must be taking breaks.. n some perhaps recieving angpows from their dearest chinese friends…wei.. nak jugak!!!!

İ am not one of those people who grew up with a lot of self confidence in me..despite all the public speaking activities i had when i was in high school.. despite all the titles i had held in high school…all those various competitions (even at the national level) again in high school..those camping trips in my tertiary years…though i have a strong mind of my own..i am not loud to voice them… (what is wrong with me???).. instead.. i prefer to just sit back.. n listen n do my own personal evaluation…thus making me a potrayal of someone who has a low self esteem......someone no one really noticed..

Even since i was small, i had this one fascination.. white people with white pointy nose.. i think it must have been from too much watching tv….i came to the conclusion that white skin.. blond hair.. blue or green eyes n pointy nose r superior looking people..whereas..people like myself.. dark skin.. flat nose… bla bla bla.. r more inferior..

I remember when i was in Standard 1.. darjah satu biru …we had this one girl who is of mixed blood (wan salina).. ….she was(is?) really fair skin.. straight hair.. u know.. the beautiful mix blood.. i was fascinated by her… she continued studying in the same school as i till Standard 6..still as beautiful as ever..n no.. i was not like the dog tagging her every move hahahah.. i had my own circle of friends.. i said i was fascinated by her.. not *crazily in love* with her .. :0)

Then, we moved to Langkawi.. a place where u see tourists far too often.. again..my fascination continued……it was interesting to just sit at one spot n watch those fair skinned people walk…

Then, i got to know Halil.. well.. he is another matter altogether…. İ didnt *love* him for his fair skin…but it was an advantage though hehehehe

İ remember how i used to ask him.. * u have all those beautiful high pointed nose , fair skinned turkish girls over there.. why do u choose this short, dark skinned, flat nose girl?*

Cant remember his answer now hahahahahahahahaahhahah I’d like to think that no girls wanted him..which is not true of course coz when some of his girl students heard that he went to malaysia to get married.. some of them cried heheheehehehehe…i am sure he regretted not approaching them before deciding marriage to me hahahahaha..

Anyway.. for a year or two.. my fascination towards these white skin pointed nose people continued..somehow still conscious of my flat nose dark skin feature.. now that i think back.. after more than 7 years blending into their culture.. living together with these so called white skinned..pointed nose people.. i come to realize how silly i was… what people keep saying is true.. beauty is skin deep..

Nowadays.. i dont see Halil for example as the white guy as i used to view him as.. i see him as Halil.. what i know him is what i see him… the same thing with the rest of the family members n the people i have come to know n love here… to the eyes of an outsider… they r the white people.. to met they r just who i know them as.. helpful, kind hearted souls…Not all white people r good n not all coloured people r bad.. nobody is superior.. it is the heart n one’s actions that determine who one is…in the eyes of man.. n the eyes of Allah (God)

We in hot countries r created as such.. coloured to better stand the heat… the flat nose.. for a beter cooling system in the body.. we r created so brilliantly by Allah..each different in their own way.. n to think i was complaining? What an ungrateful brat i was huh?

I feel good being me..

Enough of my mumbling.. have a nice holiday! I hope it is not too late to wish all our chinese Friends

Gong Xi Fa Cai

Thank You for hopping by...Hope to see u again the next time..

Once again..we say hi..

It's already 2007..almost one month since new year.. ....n as age goes by.. i can say that i am 15! hehehehe (how i wish!)

I dont keep resolution.. i am not that type.. maybe i am not ambitious enough.. well... who cares right? as long as i am happy...

But even at this early of the year..i have things to smile about.. Towards the end of last year.. my friend Dydy was here..old friendship rekindled....i made new friends as well ..Vim.. Shida..KC..

And from Dydy.. i got to contact my long lost best friend since my matriculation years... the one missing in action ever since after she got married...KB...talking to her .. to talk without any need of sensorship.. ..to say as i please...to *kutuk* her as much as i possibly can....would i miss such a chance??Like Mona n itique n Dydy.. she too is used to my blunt sometimes crazy thoughts..

Then quite recently, i recieved photos of my parents from my cousin kak Kiah.. someone i used to exchange emails with....talked to about my fears as a new mom.. but for no reasons at all ..we sort of stopped contacting each other.....n now..finally we r once again in contact ...

And very very recently....the one person from my chatting days..

Gee.. what days they were.. still at the uni..chatting chatting chatting...they were crazy days... Well.. at least from the chat, i caught a nice fish called halil *chuckles*..n from there we have 2 younglings ....:0)

I remember how after marriage he stated how against he was of me contacting my male chat friends.. i remember how heartbroken i was to say my farewell to one very particular chat friend coz he was very sweet indeed....i think he never forgive me after that..but then.. my husband should come first.. his wish..which was normal should be respected.. ..

He said male friends.. not male dad anyway hehehe.... occasionally, i did write emails to my far away cyber dad Randy after my marriage to my hubby.. ..after some time.. i think esp after baddin was born..i kindda stopped writing.. it was difficult days trying to raise baddin n hatice with their age gap so small.....

By chance, i forwarded a chain mail to this one far away dad of mine recently.... afraid to write to him directly.. thinking that he may have forgotten me. after all these years... .. n guess what? he replied...!! i was estatic!

*I'm old and grey, and broke...:)* he jokes..i think he forgot to say..*happy* ...right dad?:0)

Like my own dad n my dad in law.. my far away cyber dad too is surrounded by gorgeous ..or should i say.. handsome..grandchildren :0)

It really feels nice to be able to rekindle old friendship...long lost relative.. even cyber dad..

n i dont think halil will mind me contacting this one cyber dad of mine....

Thank You for hopping by...Hope to see u again the next time..

Ayah

On that day in october when the rest of them had forgotten the day...my dad told my mom...

*Aya..haghi ni shima punya birthday*
(Aya ...today is shima's birthday)

and yesterday when i called home...while ayin (my nephew) went to call my mom to come to the phone... my dad quickly took the phone and spoke to me...in a voice i sensed a longing forthis particular one child of his...though he tried to hide it very well..

he is no affectionate dad..open affection is not what he knows of... something of the old school quality....though he loves us children very much...and to have him on the phone like that....i bet we have been on his mind quite often lately...

One day Ayah..inşaAllah one day soon...we will meet one day... u will be free to hold and hug hatice and baddin..and they in return will do their best to *bully* u...u will have the opportunity to buy them ice cream like the last time we were in Malaysia...May Allah say *be*..and it will be...

Hati seorang ayah... hati ayahku...siapakah yg dapat memahami..?
Thank You for hopping by...Hope to see u again the next time..

I am..

The courrier guy rang our door. There is a bank card for halil. He is naturally at work. I introduced myself as his wife. The guy asked for an ID.. i showed my malaysian ID...not accepted. He asked for our Evlilik Cuzdan (marriage book) as an ID instead..we dont have that but we have a paper showing we r married.

I looked at the place where i last left that paper. No where to be found. Frustrated.

I called him at work to ask whether he had done anything to do. He said he put it at bla bla bla. In the rush..i couldnt find that paper. More frustration.

I asked the guy whether my sis in law could take the bank card on my behalf. He said only halil's brother can. I knocked özlem's door to ask whether halim was there. Nope. He wasnt. Called Kerim (another brother). He was somewhere else too. The courrier guy left..he said he will come back whenever ..i only need to give them a call.

Frustration... i felt.... so deeply.. Frustrated coz i could not take the card which was in front of me. Frustrated coz ı could not find the paper.. Angry at halil for moving things without telling me. Sad from the helplessness of it all. This is such a small matter..but why r the small pearly drops of tears falling from my eyes? I feel so helpless.....

Thank You for hopping by...Hope to see u again the next time..