Am i insane?

Am i insane? Yes...that is the question. Am i?

I woke up yesterday morning as usual. Prepared the kids for school...sent them off ...and straight away jumped into bed to hug my beloved... U see... his eldest brother, selim n he were scheduled for a noon flight to Albania..

When it was time to get ready....i thought i'd go to bağdat caddesı that morning... so i decided to send him off at the bostanci ferry stop coz they would go to the airport from there.... Then, i had this craziest urge.... i begged my beloved for him to permit me to follow him to the airport... He didnt put in much resistence... he probably wanted me there too..after all, we barely had seen each other the nite before... he was simply too busy these days...and as for me...the kids had extra class yesterday.... i needed to pick them from school only by 6.10pm...i had plenty of free time yesterday...

Selim said *bye* to me as they were about to take a taxi to the ferry stop..
i said..*hey! i am coming with you!!* ...


He said *bye* again as they were entering the ferry place...

and i said *Hey! i am coming with you!*



He finally gave up trying to say *bye* to me..and instead...

he asked me..... *r u sure u dont have a ticket to albania too??*

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha...

I took a bus from the airport to kozyatağı...right in front of içerenköy carrefour.... walked home from there (25 minutes)..... reached home..rushed to the pc coz i had stuffs to do there...15 minutes later... off i went again...this time to afife teyze (15-20 min) of walk....hot n sweaty... n tired...i decided to walk to the kids' school as well....so from 3pm....from divan pastanesi... i walked and walked...making a stop at nezih bookstore n toilet for 5 mins each...as i was in bostancı... by accident, i tripped on my knees..luckily there was no incoming car!...but my jeans... my beloved fav marks n spencer jeans is torn!! my knee was indeed painful..but i was more sad of my torn jeans...huwaaaaaaaa...my fav jeans...it came as a gift...i wont be able to buy one myself.... but determined i was of this walk... and so as the wind of the seaside area was blowing quite strongly....i walked on...ü

By 4.30.pm... my head was starting to be giddy.... i knew that my sugar level was dangerously low... i was in danger of fainting...luckily i reached the area where there are rows n rows of shops to go to... and so i entered burger king...i ordered a big cup of ice tea and chicken fries ....something sweet ..something salty... i felt a bit better but not well enough to leave the shops area.... and so i decided to buy some chocolates... as i walked from one shop to another...munching the chocolates... and looking whether there r any jeans on sale...(Yikes! the ones on sale r only of size 32!! i wear 36!! no luck there)...i finally felt better after 10 minutes..my sugar level was again at the safe level... and so i walked on n on...this time though...with less speed....and finally by 5.50pm... i reached the kids' school....picked the kids up...walked another 15 minutes to the mini bus area...and later..off we went home..it was starting to get dark by the time we reached home...i was on the run ever since morning (i woke up at 5.30am)...and after all those walk... (n eating hehehe)... i have gained 1.5 kg!!!!!!! Incredible eh? my weight challenge is really down the drain right now....:0(

Upon self analysis... the part when i followed my beloved to the airport was mainly coz i wanted to spend time with him..even though he was chatting with his big bro 99 percent of that time.... the walking non stop....i guess subconciously...i was not looking forward to spend the nite alone without him... i knew that i would miss listening the click clack sound of the keyboard as he plays the pc football game...him mumbling to himself n i scolding him to come to sleep... and so..i did what i am good at most.... walking for hours so that i would get too tired to think of him.... true enough... but the bad thing is... when i talked to him at 11.08pm...i was drowsy from sleepiness n i cant remember what i talked to him about! hahahaha....

Anyway... i should thank Funda for making Selim connect his phone for international calls...coz without that..there is no way i can call my beloved...The truth is... i am not too worried of my beloved... he has his big brother next to him...Selim as always...never fail to protect his baby brother...my beloved is in safe hands....insyaAllah... n it will be great for the two brothers to be able to spend time together with each other...chatting non stop 24/7 for many days... this will be a holiday for them..a gateaway of some sort for my beloved from me...his non stop mumbling wife...:0) ...My beloved needs the break... he hasnt got one eversince his dad died...maybe this trip will revitalize him... i just hope he wont forget to buy souvenirs for us poor souls being left behind at home! *wink*


Miss u loads tem! U know i am crazy...i do insane things in my life (for example..marrying you)... but what i did yesterday was.... TOTALLY insane!

dear friends... what do u think? am i insane???


Thank You for hopping by...Hope to see u again the next time..

Babies n life...

My dear friends....i have a confession to make... as much as i would love to cook u all lahmacun once i am in malaysia... i am afraid... it is impossible coz i dunno how to prepare it coz u cannot cook it in a normal oven...u need a special oven just like the one when u cook pizza.. ...so it is impossible to prepare lahmacun (thin turkish pizza) at home...but i strongly suggest u all try eating a wondrfully cooked lahmacun whenever u come across one :=)

Baddin's class teacher, 2 of the moms of his classmates and i went for a visit to another mom's place....a simple visit to celebrate the birth of her new son....

I have almost forgotten that smell of heaven... that look of innocence of a lil one..untouched by the darkness of life....so sweet looking....so peaceful...and to hear the wonderful news for a sweet friend in Malaysia of her very much long awaited pregnancy...yesterday was indeed a wonderful day to remember...

Of course as in tradition in the turkish culture, it is common to give this....

*cumhurriyet altını*...gold in form of a coin to the newborn baby (the 4 of us shared the price of the coin)... and attached to the coin was this....

The sleeveless sweater which i knitten eversince friday...yeah..i know..it is not perfect... to the trained eyes...u can see some flaws..but it was knitted from the heart..and from this inexperience knitter like me...i really had put in loads of hours into it....despite my hectic social life hehehe...

I suppose i have to thank Mahture yenge as my main teacher (next to özlem's mom n muyessa yenge)...i remember how panicked i was after anne (my mom in law) died... U see... i naively thought that she would live forever... i was counting on her to knit my kids' wool sweaters etc..etc..she is a wonderful knitter... she even used to buy wool, buttons and knitting stuffs everytime she went overseas..Naturally, when she died so suddenly, i was looking for solace... n i found it in yenge...baddin was just a baby then...i remember how i used to go to her to learn to knit.... i mean... what did i know of knitting? i had no knowledge of whatsoever in knitting... i turned to yenge... and with countless trips in between baddin's sleeping time.... she taught me the basics of knitting... i rarely knit...thatz why even after all these year... every winter... yenge is sure to hear me knocking her door to ask her of this and that hehehehehe..

But what i cant forget is this conversation i had last saturday... that day when i asked her a few questions as i was completing this sweater....

Simah: Yenge... her şey için teşekkur ederim. Hakkınız helal et..

(Yenge... thank you for everything. Make ur rights helal over me)

Mahture Yenge: Helal olsun. Öğren her şey artık. Ben her zaman yaşamamkı. Ben gitmeden önce,öğren!

(Everything is halal. U should learn everything. I am not going to live forever. Before i die, learn!)

Simah:Öğreniyorum işte! (i am learning) I grinned at her...Yenge...sen olmasa, ben ne yapayım?

(Yenge, if u r not here, what will i do without u?)

Mahture Yenge: Elimdeki ne var sa...sana yardım ederim... yeterli ben ölunca, biraz dua bana hediye edin. Kocam yok... çocuklar yok...

(I will help you as much as i can. It is only enough that once i die.... send a little bit of prayers my way. I dont have my husband and kids anymore)

I was left speechless...

what do u say to words like these? my eyes started to flood...i can feel the empathy of her longing...

her hubby and kids died many years ago.... for a woman to go on living alone...without her hubby and kids to fuss over.... it cant have been easy.ture.. she has her siblings, in laws,nephews,nieces...etc..etc... but having her own flesh n blood next to her is definitely not the same thing.....

Yenge...dont worry... ur request is at my command, insyaAllah... :0)

Am off on the run again!! will answer the comments in my previous entry tonite... :0)

Thank You for hopping by...Hope to see u again the next time..

This week..(2nd week of school Holiday)

This is the typical turkish yogurt... thick...and most importantly...the brand is Sütaş..the kids' fav brand for dairy products..

these r...
Kadın Budu Köfte..
it took me years to make perfect this kadın budu köfte (ANNE's *my late mom in law* style..the only style Halil loves of Kadın Budu..his mom's style...

it is basically rice cooked with minced meat, added with onion, salt, pepper and a bit of diced parsley..shaped like in the pic above... put in the fridge to rest...coated with egg and later flour...to be fried in hot oil...


resepi in full kena tunggu bukak sekolah dulu..


BUT.....


Genetic vs Habit

Grrrr... he destroyed the beauty of my Kadın Budu köfte by eating like this!!!

and he made the kids eat it the same way too even though i repeatedly told him that the kids
eat their yogurt from another cup...!! Türks will always be Türks, eh? *giggles*..

Poor my kadın budu köfte... they faced their extinction in the least attactive form :0)

But that doesnt matter coz on Wednesday... my Hatice celebrated her 7th Birthday...

May u grow up to be a good person, inside and out...
Someone with good manners... Despite anne *screaming* at u the whole time... u know i love u..and i have only one çiçegim..

2 siblings*the light of my heart*

the cousins and the birthday cake..

ilayda,hatice, zeynep

Though his birthday will only be in April..he wanted to blow the candle too :0)

Awww... she didnt cry!! I bet she did loads at home..

*wink wink meşe!* (sorry..i dont think it is appropriate to tell why...)

And let it be written in my personal family history that today..

7th of February

for the first time in my life..i had served turkish tea for halil, hatice and baddin...

my kids drinking tea?? oh my...genetically n culturally..they do follow the türks..

i am the only one who still dislike drinking hot tea (unless it is iced)

I guess the pics rap everything up of what i had been up to these days...school days will always be hectic i suppose..

and i hope that it is not too late to wish all those celebrating it...

HAPPY CHİNESE NEW YEAR!

i guess Malaysians r on holiday this week..Enjoy ur holiday!

And on special request from our Queen of the House...i have compiled all my published article in a blog for u all to read...i am a simple mumbler who gets lucky to have her mumbling to be printed...but i sincerely hope that these mumbling will give u a thing or two to think of...

here is the link:

http://www.myTZarticles.blogspot.com/

we will be going somewhere this Saturday..in fact the whole Zaim family will be missing to this destination... the kids r excited...Zeynep even *loaned* her fav travelling bag so that hatice can bring in the necessary toys n magazines there....i had bought new gloves for the kids...ear drums protecter..and am trying to knit something...Yup! i still couldnt find my winter stuffs..i must have accidently threw them all when i had tidied up the whole apt a few months ago ...

I will be back next week with loads of photos n stories to tell... my hint is... it will involve loads of snow... Please pray for our safe journey...Monday..the kids will start schooling...hopefully this weekend will be the weekend all of us will remember...see ya next week!

i am updating...but i cant blog hop yet...soooo sorry... i will only be able to blog hop after monday (once the kids start schooling)...besides..i need to do a speedy knitting till saturday nite...:0)

Thank You for hopping by...Hope to see u again the next time..

İ need ur support

My dearest friends...

I havent been totally honest with u. Yes... i had faced the empty nest syndrome after both my kids started school.. true, i was busy during the Ramadhan months...I was not diverting ur attention when i said that i was down most times than not...i was also not lying when i said that i was not on the pc much thus was not able to visit ur blog often...But the main reason i was not really updating my Quill of my Heart blog as often as i used to...is mainly because...i was busy focussing on my walks....



If u had been with me for a while..u may notice that i am someone with a *weight challenge*... u may also sense how i am at times were/are devoured by this inferiority complex. Being someone with the *xtra flesh* do that...it affects how one percieve oneself... in my case... my confidence. I am sure my halil or haticem or baddin love me no matter how i am physically... after all.... beauty is in the eyes of the beholder... and since i am the cleaner.. the cook, the maid in every sense in their lives.... they have no option but to love me *chuckles*...



In my life... i had gone thru several stages.... 2 main ones esp.. slim stage n fat stage... when i was still unmarried and was in the *fat* stage*..i see how people reacted towards me... i see how they tried to stay away.... and contrastively... in my *thin* unmarried stage..i see how people tried to get near...Alhamdulillah.. right now, in my married *fat* stage... i am well loved.. by those around me...but it doesnt change that fact that i have to find the *buyuk beden* (big size) clothing to suit me...i cant find stuffs easily due to my size. that affects my confidence greatly...



From the life of totaly cycling from section 2 in bangi to fakulti pendidikan, pusat bahasa, n usaneka in ukm.... i flew to turkey..to a life of pure leisure... eat...sleep n nothing else... the food? from hot n spice to cheeses and yogurt and olive oils.... that change of life pattern changed my size as well... it was only expected.... and after that..2 ceasarian births... where i actually had to look after the two kids as if i was raising twins.....i had no time of the chances to look after myself...



Now both r in school. From 7.35am till 4.35pm...monday to friday, i am free. Free to undertake something i should be doing ages ago.. i need to start losing weight. And so i found the cheapest....way to lose my weight ... no strict diet..just caution here n there in my food intake (i can never take strict diet)...



And i have been updating my *Simah n her Weight Challenges* blog for almost everyday....I was shy to tell anyone of this project.. until rad pointed out to me that this should be a challenge n not a problem..... n i hereby invite u to take a peek of my daily activity of walking... feel free to laugh... but once in a while..do throw a bit of ur kind words of motivation... coz i cant give this up...i need to set a goal.. and for now..this is my goal.....This is my focus...Wish me luck!



www.refcobass4.blogspot.com



Thank You for hopping by...Hope to see u again the next time..

Salam Mulia

Allahu Allah

Oh Allah the Almighty

Protect me and guide me

Thru ur love and mercy

Ya Allah dont deprieve me

From beholding ur beauty

I was scolded by my best-friend-ever Mona!! She called my hp (yes..it is back!) and scolded me! It was 2 minutes of non stop scolding!! ...

THE Reason? I was missing in action for so long n she couldnt contact me....my blog was not updated..i was MİA.... she wanted to relay the message that 2 of our TESL friends' fathers have left this world.... Al Fatihah to Itique and Dayah.... and intan..thanks 4 the message u left at my chatbox... i was able to convey my condolences to them thru the phone... To Itique n Dayah... i hope u will be strong in this time of ur life...



The iftars? Well... The first was on Saturday 2 weeks ago...I woke up that morning with a pain in my tummy. By the time, i could wake up that morning, it was then i discovered that our fridge was broken!!! Can u imagine my panic? we would be having 22 people for iftar (children n adults of the Zaim family) and no fridge??? It took me at least one hour to empty the fridge... and luckily... there r mahture yenge, muyessa yenge and özlem in our apt block...!! but can u imagine? people coming... loads of food to be prepared...no ice(cold) water...İ was about to cry...But somehow...i managed to get thru the day/night with success....and of course, all the leftover food was distributed to everybody... semua main tapau hehehehe...The rest of the iftars went well as well..



i may not be an important person in this world.. i am not in any humanitarian effort..nor will i be remembered for my beauty... but at least if i die now...at least someone can say... *well..i know a malaysian bride who can cook turkish food well*.....i tried to snap photos of the food i cooked using my old non digital camera.. but i guess, i have lost touch with it coz all the pictures i snapped turned out fuzzy.... sorry guys.. no luck there! i am shy too to ask to borrow özlem's camera too often cpz i borrowed her digital twice (one for iftar at school n at the time the teachers were here)..my digital camera is still at the nikkon servis...



I used to think that once both kids r at school, i will be stuck in front of the pc 24/7... from the updates of this blog.. u can see that it is not the case eh? In fact, subconsciously, i try to stay away from the pc.... not that i dont miss u all... i do......i suppose i am just in this phase of life when i need to deal with what is happening in my life....i need to adjust both my mental as well as my physical freedom...perhaps this empty nest syndrome is making me depressed with my realising it that i try to cut my contact with people? i dunno..i am simply adjusting. i am trying to fill in the lost blanks of the fragments of my life..am i making sense?

And on the 4th... on the day i should be feeling happy coz it was my birthday.... news from the homeland left me feeling betrayed... the memory of the past rehaunted me...i was reminded of one of the reasons i felt that i needed to escape Malaysia...making me feel fragile inside... as i unleashed my sadness to him... as he held me in his arms...trying to comfort my breaking heart....i just cant believe how some people just dont change......Halil is right.... after 33 years of living...i should be immuned to this...but why cant i?

And on the Lailatul Qadar night.... i wish i had my camera with me... u should have seen it...all mosques were wonderfully lighted... thousands flocked to the famous mosques ...it was a total celebration... and we.. thinking of going to the less famous mosque to avoid the crowd... we were wrong! even at 10pm... it was still totally overcrowded!! and the best part of all... i get to kiss the case containing our Prophet Muhammad's beard...it is black in color..the beard i mean.... i assume our prophet had black hair then....

Anyway...Aidil Fitri.. or Bayram in turkish is coming soon....From the bottom of our hearts....
From Halil to Nur Hatice to Sabahaddin and me....

Hayırlı Bayram Mubarek Olsun!

Selamat Menyambut Hari Raya Aidilfitri!

Maaf Zahir dan Batin

p.s... apologies of the unanswered comments..will try to answer them soon..



Thank You for hopping by...Hope to see u again the next time..

Missing her..

Being the *super Woman* that i am (haha)...and to recieve an email of concern from a dear sister (u know her as F)...makes me smile.... :0)...

I am fine really dear sis... nothing bad is happening... just been busy with going to Hatice's school almost everyday ever since last week..etc..etc...emotionally, i am fine... just pure exhaustion takes away the zest i have for life..esp the zest to update my blog....i do sooooo am really in need of a vacation... cant wait for this 13th.....no cooking.... no cleaning... no tidying up the apt... even if it will only be for a few short days :0)

Yesterday... and even today... her voice echoes in my mind... i miss her saying...

*Anne.. başım ağrıyor*
(Anne, i have headache)

almost everyday she walks into the place...
i miss looking at her face...everytime baddin swarmed her with his babbling...and her looking at me saying silently... *do have to deal with him?*... but in the end she would just say

*ne guzel... tamam...*
(that's good... ok

as she hugs him while trying to take off her shoes n windbreaker..

i miss fighting with her....listening to her complaining about some parts of her body that hurts (she always hurt herself somewhere heheheheh..like mom like daughter)....and her asking me..

*anne..bugun yemek ne var?*
(anne... what is for dinner)...

If it is something she likes..* hemen yiyelim o zaman* (in that case lets eat now)

but if it is something she dislikes... she would just plead... *sonra olur mu* (can i eat later?)...but she would still finish her food silently...

There was also no Doa reading before bedtime on her bed... just me hugging baddin in his bed..reading the doa all on our own... i had to read the part she used to read as well... making me wanna cry.....but then i knew...it was and is something that she needs to do as a part of her growing up....

It was her first sleepover at a school's friend's house last night... When i called her, she was doing fine... totally happy to the fact that i had allowed her to sleep over at her friend's place named *Ece* (pronounced Eje). for one night... She was to go to school straight from Ece's place today.. i cant wait for her to finish school.. i do miss my daughter so much....my only comfort was.. she was n is happy over the whole thing...

And i have met my *possible future son in law* hahahahahaahahaha to read it...please jump into her blog and read the one with the title *the crush* hahahaha

Thank You for hopping by...Hope to see u again the next time..

Friends...

I spoke to Kak Elle this morning... she was in transit at the Atatürk Airport... the line was not clear..but finally we had heard each other's voice... with my suara serak (it was very early in the morning what..).. i spoke to her on the phone.. wahh she sounded so matured :0)..hopefully she has landed safely in italy by now...have fun kak elle!

It was yesterday when i decided to call this one singaporean girl in istanbul.. the last time we met was months ago... i assumed her working schedule is really tight..hence the no contact... i called her mobile...no answer... then one hour later, she called me...

We chatted for quite long..chit chatting about this n that...her asking about my life and i asking about hers...gossiping etc..etc... it felt good...speaking in the language we both know... sharing some common grounds...i doubt if we will see each other soon... summer holiday is here..but at least we both know that we r both within the reaching distance....n i also discovered from her that there is an indian restaurant selling real indian food at taksim.. the price? huwaaaa... kena tunggu kaya dulu :0)..but maybe one day i'll just grab her from her work place n together we both eat at the restaurant...*salivating over the nasik beriani*..

If i say that i am the type who excels in socialization... i cant say i am... i love to mind my own business...i dont do well in public gathering either... it could be due to the lack of self confidence in me or it may be perhaps it is just the way i am... that is the reason i suppose blogging suits me very well... i can say what is in my mind...and if anyone wants to be my friend online..they can... they wont be able to see me in real life (hey! i do live far away in istanbul)..n i wont scare them away from this friendship by them knowing the real me...



But then.. Allah has a different plan for me... after almost a year from the day i started blogging, i had made many friends online....some my age... some younger..some kakakz... some abangz (yg dah kawin only..bujang i tak berani)....some .nenek/atuk?)..ada kot hehehe...of course it never cross my mind that i would be able to see some of them even... i was hoping i wouldnt need to hehehehe it never cross my mind that some would even stay at my home (hope i didnt scare u away ibu hahaha)....i takut nak jumpa orang ramai...but of course as u all know it.....my qadar n qadar is different... and now i enjoy meeting these people coz....they bring me asam hahahahaha (lawak ja...the asam part i mean)..


After all these meetings with blogger friends (as well as merasa the asam hehehe)...i think i am more confident to make friends with other people in real life..... i mean..those not in the family members...


It is also fate that in real life...i met one of hatice's classmate's mom who is a pakistani with the british pasport...the family has been staying here for 2 years... i invited her to join me to the pazar (open market)... and after that i invited her home for lunch... we clicked... we chatted about this.. about that... about almost many things... she is thinking of staying here forever... so i guess, to be friends with her works really well for both of us since she has no one here...she hasnt got many friends here n i can somehow help her to improve her turkish.... and maybe i can persuade her to cook me chapati n real curry!! hehehehe (otak asyik dok ingat nak makan ja hehe..mau tak gemukkkkkkkkkk)....


so my conclusion is.....i thank blogging for improving my self confidence in facing the real people.. i thank blogging for allowing me the path to ur precious friendship... i thank blogging...for acting as a pensieve to empty out my mind n share with u my life here... ..though i cannot update my blog everyday as i used to... i will try to update whenever i can... n blog hop whenever possible...



Thank You for hopping by...Hope to see u again the next time..